Words and legacy
In 2020, I left L.A., and moved to a small community. For all of the activity and the constant influx of visitors, Kauai, once you’re a resident, is a small town. You’re at most, two degrees of separation away from everyone.
This experience has naturally shaped my approach to conversation. When you ask, oh, do you know so and so, many times, you’ll get a piece of gossip. One time I asked a girl with cute style if she shopped at a certain boutique. Their window front is appealing, and I wanted to know if it was worth the drive. She told me she used to work there, and told me a bit of drama about the owner. I’ve never met the owner, but now I associate that store, and the owner, with that piece of drama.
The girl wasn’t necessarily in the wrong to tell me that story, because it was something the owner did to her. Which makes it her story, and more relevantly, it answered the question quite clearly about why she does not shop in fact there. From one point of view, she really just answered my question.
So it goes. You inquire about a potential mutual aquaintance, and you get the most interesting fact the person knows about them. Interestingly, I’ve never gotten the feeling that person talking is being malicious, or actually is a gossip. I generally think of a gossip as someone telling you something for no reason; one who can’t wait to share salient news. And because these incidents are far more unintentional, it got me thinking about the seemingly trivial things we choose to highlight about another. Sharing the most salient bits is just so natural, but is it helpful?
Let me digress for a moment. I have a story about what is memorable. In middle school, a girl peed herself in class. I assume it was because she was too afraid to tell the teacher she really needed to leave the classroom. This isn’t a story about kids being cruel. As far as I know, no one bullied her, teased her, or even mentioned it to her. But I wasn’t in that class and I heard about it. I assume the entire school did. And because it’s a bit scandalous, it’s memorable. This is a rather extreme version of the kind of insteresting fact that might be shared about a person. But would it be fair, for someone 30 years later, with a full life and professional accomplishments, to be introduced for peeing herself. Okay, this example is a bit extreme, but it draws attention to subtler examples, we could miss.
So putting all of these things together, I realized that, the harmless piece of information, causes a negative incident to live on longer than it needs to, and maybe isn’t so harmless. Because it can color how that person is viewed for decades.
Years ago, I had read this book, on the laws concerning lashon hara
Lashon hara (or loshon horo, or loshon hora) (Hebrew: לשון הרע; "evil tongue") is the halakhic term for speech about a person or persons that is negative or harmful to them, even though it is true. It is speech that damages the person(s) that are talked about either emotionally or financially, or lowers them in the estimation of others.
From Wikipedia
While I never all out disagreed with the book, I thought it was a bit too strict. I didn’t fully get it and I thought maybe, it was rules for another culture. I also thought it could veer dangerously into the territory of victim silencing. Doesn’t the reputation of some deserve to be lowered? So, I was fine to cherrypick the advice. But it’s lovely, how the Universe will send you opportunities, to make sure you get your lessons. I talk about this else where, so I won’t belabor it here, but being a good manager, one that can carry the respect of your team, over time, requires that you address issues head on, and also get correct speech right. So, I got to learn how correct speech isn’t about silence, to protect the reputation of the perpetrator.
That there is a way to address problems, without adding to the problem. Right speech doesn’t mean silence but does require discernment.
Keep thou not silent when evil is spoken for Truth, like the sunlight shines above all.
- The Emerald Tablets, of Thoth the Atlantian.
So, going back to small talk. Moving to a small community gave me the opportunity to see, how one passing comment can have lasting impact. Words have power, and words can unfairly tarnish a persons reputation. It is by grace alone that I’m not known for my worst days. When we guard our words we guard the energy that we put out into the world which for me, makes the topic of correct speech, fascinating.
